Protective isolation

My last post for a while. I know y'all are sick of me.

As I sit in this room filled with silence, there is a great sense of peace, ease, and tranquility. If it were up to me? I’d be on an island alone with no contact from the world. That’s my dream. Until then, this apartment can be my island. A place no one can bother me, a sanctuary. I yearn to unplug and disappear. I do not crave socialization; I tolerate it. Not a great foundation for relationships, I know.

Being alone is second nature to me. I feel most unsafe in a group of people. Distrustful and for good reason. The darkness in people’s hearts scares me. Are you healed, or are you gonna bleed on me? I don’t get too close. I’m trying to make my nervous system feel safe again. Could someone’s presence feel better than my solitude? So far? No. My space is sacred.

No strong feelings connecting me, truthfully, I’m not sure I’m capable of it anymore. These days, it seems like everyone gets a time limit with me(5 years max, no one makes it past that), like sand in an hourglass. It’s only a matter of time before I take my scissors out, sharp and precise. A clean cut, every time. Detachment issues make it seem impossible to feel close to anyone. To love deeply as I did before my bio family discarded me. I don’t miss who I used to be. I miss my heart.

I’m misunderstood, and I can understand why. I’m full of paradoxes. Like I’m capable of deep emotion, but I’m also hollow, I crave guidance and true connection, but isolation feels safest to me, I’m grateful for my life, but I dread living it sometimes. Just a few examples.

I thought I was pretty straightforward, but most people don’t understand me lol…If you ask them, I’m “complicated” or “difficult.” This breeds resentment in me. I see you, but you can’t see me? After all these years, you’re still blind to my ways. A trigger that leads to my scissors. A bad habit I’m trying to change, but it’s addictive. The relief of not having to explain or prove yourself.

That’s why I can’t stop. It’s a toxic, destructive pattern deeply imprinted in my brain. Learned that day when my sister walked away. When things get tough and nothing else is working, cut them off and erase them from your life. I could reframe it as self-respect, but it’s a toxic pattern I picked up from her. I would never abandon someone in a time of need as she did me, but I have abandoned relationships. You have to fight for it, but I have none left in me. 3 strikes, and you’re cut off. I’ll wish you the best and vanish. Ask anyone who’s met my scissors.

I wouldn’t consider myself someone safe to get attached to. There’s no one on the planet that I talk to every day anymore; instead, I pray. It will always be God first for me. My love for him knows no bounds. I could be blocked and unfeeling, but when I get on my knees and pray, I’m able to release. Hallelujah. His presence is undeniable in my life, and I want to be closer. I’m a very blessed woman, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore; this flow is random. Why am I here, Lord? What purpose do I serve?

I hate my parents for bringing me into this world just to abandon me. Left to navigate this life with damage. It left me feeling insignificant. When your own people don’t want you, that says something, but when you can’t make it work long-term with nobody else, that speaks volumes. Shit, maybe I’m just destined for a life of solitude. There’s nothing wrong with that, just not what I expected…oh well. I fuck with myself heavy, so I’m not tripping.

-Sylvia Monica Parrott

“The ocean never apologized for its depth, so why should you?”